Dear Annie Pooh;
If anyone tries to give you any crap about turning 50, you can use some of these fine zingers in retort!
- 50 Years Old today? Yep, I’m Chronologically Gifted!
- Aged like fine wine; complex and fruity
- I’m not old. I’m youthfully challenged
- Getting old sucks. However, it sure beats the alternative
- 50??? I DEMAND A RECOUNT
- Oh no, oh no, say it isn’t so . . . Not the big 5 – 0!
- Fifty Happens
- I am now officially a charter member of the “Old Farts Hall of Fame”
- I’m not 50; I’m 18 with 32 years’ experience!
- I just can’t believe your 50 today; 49 maybe, but never 50!
- Once you’re over the hill, you pick up speed
- My own mortality will be the death of me yet
- In dog years I’m long dead by now
- My wild oats have turned to mush
- I’m in no shape to exercise
- Don’t interrupt me while I’m talking to myself
- I’ll never lose my keys again; they’re always in the last place I left them, wherever that is!
- Been there, done that. Do I get a T-shirt?
- Nifty Fifty.
- Its only halftime. Two more quarters to go!
- I’ll be spontaneous when I get around to it.
- I would enjoy waking if it weren’t for those long walks back
- I used to jog five miles a day; then I found a shortcut
- I get everything I set my mind to. Now, where’d I set my mind?
- I’m immortal . . . so far!
- Caution, senior moment in progress
- Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
- What if the hokey-pokey is really what it’s all about?
- Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s over the hill I go.
- 50 years old today. One owner, needs parts. Make best offer.
- I live in my own little world, but its okay because they all know me in there
- You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me!
- Better to be an old fart than a young shithead
- Age is important only if you’re wine or cheese
- Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill
- Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.
- Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
- The older I get the better I was
- I’m on a 30 day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.
- Of all my relatives, I like me the best
- I don’t have a solution, but I really admire your problem
- Don’t take life so seriously, it’s not permanent!
- Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- I am NOT in denial!
- We were born naked, wet and hungry, then things get worse.
Dearest Annie Pooh:
As your older, wiser and more experienced mother and siblings (Tommy, Brian, Charles and Aileen) can attest to (Tony, you’re next) – we’ve discovered that growing older means that you’ll now have to change your shopping list a bit. Here are some of the “essentials” that you’ll be need to consider purchasing from here on out – you know, since you’re an old fart now – just like the rest of us! Welcome to our world.
We can personally vouch for both the need and the quality of each product on the “old folks” shopping list:
- Jumbo Sized Magnifying Glass for that really fine print!
- Depends or other Adult diapers (hey, when you gotta go, you GOTTA GO!)
- Milk of Magnesia (for those more difficult crapper moments)
- Preparation H (King-size tubes are best value!)
- Metamucil (buy the large gallon-sized bags)
- Gold Bond Medicated Powder (because we leak and itch “down there” sometimes)
- Polident and/or Denture Cream
- Non-slip mats and treads for bathroom
- Supply of good-quality heating pads
- An Ear Horn
- Ben Gay (lots and lots of Ben Gay)
- Reactionary email replies and forwards in
ALL CAPS AND BRIGHT RED COMIC SANS
– CAN YOU HEAR ME YELLING NOW . . . ?
- Extra Large Fanny pack
- Glock 19 – protection in your car, or out on the town!
- Colt 45 (not the beer!) – Protection at work
- 12 gauge shotgun – protection at home
- Tons and tons of ammo!
You’re now a locked-and-loaded “Annie-grannie”